Group A: Fred (Brazil)
Of course I have to give a nod to our host nation Brazil. The Confederations Cup winners will face Croatia, Cameroon and Mexico in a group that was surely handpicked by FIFA, international soccer’s governing body. If the Brazilian national team were a short sleeve button down shirt, Fred would be the sleeves: kinda unorthodox, a little bit silly, but cool and calm in the summer heat. He has a divine touch, a first time finish as good as anyone and rocked the jheri curl even before Pedro Martinez was on the Montreal Expos. While other Brazilian players like Neymar, Marcelo and David Luiz will surely get all the attention for more standout haircuts, Fred’s consistency with his style and flow could be what Brazil needs to go all the way, looks wise. Soccer wise, FIFA might have as well already crowned Brazil.
Group B: Mile Jedinak (Australia)
This Aussie team is loaded with quality in terms of guys that look like Matthew McConaughey, but talk like they have corn stuck in their teeth. They’re up against a tough task, though, and in order for them to escape from a group that includes Chile, the Netherlands, and previous World Cup winner Spain, it will take some real heroics from Mile Jedinak. Actually, no matter how handsome Jedinak is, the Australians probably wonlt win a single game. They might even not score a single goal. Tough break, Soccaroos.
Group C: Mario Yepes (Colombia)
Mario is an early contender for best flow at the 2014 World Cup. In his group alone he will go up against Greece’s Georgio “Samson” Samaras, the African-Ronaldninho, Gervinho, of the Ivory Coast and the Golden Haired One, Keisuke Honda of Japan. If this Aragon from The Lord of the Rings looking ass defender makes it out of his group alive, he has as good of a chance to go all the way to the World Cup final, hair wise. Just remember Mario, Samson is powerless without his hair.
Group D: Ricky Lambert (England)
Ricky Lambert was once voted most handsome man in Southampton, but how will he fare on the world’s biggest stage? He is his nation’s only hope of winning the tournament. He is the new Alan Shearer. He is the white Carlton Cole. His bangs scream straight across his forehead like those of Lloyd Christmas, the same forehead that blasts soccer balls high over the bar. But questions loom for the Brits: Are they tough enough to survive group play with Costa Rica, Uruguay, and an ever-fashionable Italian team? And, is Ricky Lambert handsome enough to score a goal at the World Cup?
Group D Honorable Mention: Andrea Pirlo (Italy)
Pirlo, at age 35, is stronger than ever. Every year he gets slower, wears bulkier shinguards, better on the ball and more handsome. After a dominant performance that saw him nearly win the Euros in 2012, “The Italian Stallion” might have the most mature mane in the entire world.
Group E: Olivier Giroud (France)
Olivier Giroud is the New York City fashion world’s dream player. He’s tall, thin, French and cares more about his haircut then he does about his first touch on the ball. He has great tattoos, an American supermodel for a wife, the sides and back of his head shaved AND a sex scandal! What more could we possible ask for? And while no one can question his looks, questions have been asked about his abilities to control a pass, run while also moving his arms and score in a game with even the slightest semblance of importance. Will the French have the goal scorers, camaraderie and fight to get by Switzerland, Ecuador and Honduras? As far as team photos go, they certainly have what it takes to go very far.
Group F: Carlos Queiroz (Iran)
Iran’s manager, Carlos Quieroz, has been given the tough task of escaping from Group F, featuring the likes of Argentina, Nigeria and Bosnia Herzegovina. But even more challenging than that is staying cool and dry in the blistering heat of Iran. If this guy can stay this handsome in the desert, then he should do just fine south of the equator. When I type “Carlos Quieroz” into Google, “Carlos Quieroz bulge” pops up. Don’t worry, I checked it out for you. This guy is the real fucking deal.
Group G: Mikkel “Mix” Morgenstar Pålssønn Diskerud (USA)
The US Men’s national team is loaded with guys who chose to play soccer over fame, fortune, modeling and acting in films with the likes of of Channing Tatum. Amongst them, Mix is an absolute standout. I mean, this guy is flat out hot stuff, no homo! As we edge closer to June 12th, you can expect a really great haircut before he faces opponents like Cristiano Ronaldo, Michel Essien, and Mesut Özil in 2014’s “Group of Death.” No, this is not a guy who will score a match winner against Germany. No, Mix won’t play a cutting pass to beat a Portuguese defense. But—BUT—he is a great guy to have by your side on a Saturday at the beer garden in lower Manhattan when you don’t quite have the confidence to strike up a conversation with some babes one table over.
Group H: Park Chu Young (South Korea)
Park is an absolute idol in South Korea. They say in his younger days of the J. League, his presence would sometimes quadruple attendance at games, where teenage girls flocked to see this rising superstar in action. But recent years have seen his look and his stardom fade. He was signed at Arsenal in 2011 and, in a shock move, frosted his tips. Since then, he’s trimmed the sides to the point of almost non-existence. Currently, he’s on loan to Watford in the English Premier League, sporting a borderline lamestream haircut. Will he change his look before the tournament begins and bag a few goals for a Korean team with some good potential? Escaping from a group with Russia, Belgium and Algeria could be difficult, especially if Putin has already used his totalitarian powers to fix outcome. Regardless, Park is my sleeper pick.
Golden God: Cristiano Ronaldo (Planet Earth)
What can even you say about Cristiano Ronaldo? The man is more influential in the men’s hair world than Louis XIV. He has his own underpants line and was voted the most influential Portuguese man since Henry the Navigator. He has the pace of an avatar, the power of Bane and a shot harder than a John Rocker fastball. But all that doesn’t mean he’s unstoppable. Just kidding, yes it does. If you’re not worshiping at the temple of Ronnie this summer then what are you even doing?
source: Four pins
