Our idea of who we’re going to be changes as we grow older. At twenty, you imagine the career, the income, the relationship, the wardrobe, the home and the life you hope to build. You may even have a rough timeline for when each part “should” happen.
Then your twenties begin to teach you that a good life cannot always be planned that neatly.
You graduate and discover that getting the job you wanted does not automatically tell you what you want from your career. You fall in love and learn that being loved does not mean losing yourself inside another person. You earn more money and realise that financial independence comes with responsibilities you never considered. You make friends, lose friends, make mistakes, recover from them and become familiar with parts of yourself that your younger self had never met.
Growing older changes the questions you ask.
Instead of asking, “Am I doing well enough?” you begin asking, “Do I actually like the life I am building?”
That question can change everything.
Success can mean one thing at twenty-three and something entirely different at thirty. At one age, you may want the impressive job title, the expensive handbag, the enviable relationship and the photographs that make your life look perfect. A few years later, financial security may matter more than looking successful. You may care more about having savings, owning a home, building a business, travelling, supporting your family or having enough freedom to make decisions without constantly worrying about money.
Your definition of success becomes more personal because your understanding of yourself becomes deeper.
The woman you become may also have a different relationship with ambition.
You may still want the promotion, the boardroom, the business or the recognition. You may also realise that you want evenings that belong to you, holidays you can actually enjoy and relationships that do not receive whatever energy remains after work.
The same applies to relationships.
Your younger self may have measured love by how much someone wanted you. As you grow, you may become more interested in how a relationship makes you feel about yourself. You may want affection without losing independence, partnership without shrinking your ambitions and commitment without having to abandon the parts of your life that matter to you.
Friendship can change too.
You may become more comfortable with having fewer friendships that feel genuine rather than maintaining a long list of people simply because you have known them for years. You may become less willing to remain in relationships that leave you constantly questioning your worth. You may also become a better friend yourself because you understand that everyone is growing through their own experiences.
Then there is the woman you see when you look in the mirror.
Your style, your hair and your wardrobe might have changed. Your relationship with makeup can change. The things you once considered essential can become less important, while other things you once ignored can become part of how you express yourself.
That knowledge is valuable.
Growing older can make you more comfortable with your preferences. You learn which clothes make you feel confident, which beauty routines you actually enjoy and which trends you can appreciate without feeling the need to own them.
The same confidence can enter other parts of your life.
You can learn to say no without feeling guilty. You can ask for better pay. You can leave a job that no longer works for you. You can admit that you made the wrong decision. You can change your mind. You can start again.
None of these things mean that you have failed, you’re simply responding to new information about your life.
The dream career may no longer be your dream. The relationship you thought you needed may no longer appeal to you. The city you wanted to live in may not feel right anymore. The lifestyle you once admired may look exhausting when you imagine living it yourself.
You are allowed to change your mind.
You are also allowed to want things that your younger self never considered. You might want motherhood, or not. You might want marriage, you might not. You may want a corporate career, a business, creative work or a combination of several careers throughout your life. You might want a large home filled with people, or a smaller life that gives you more time for yourself.
Your life does not become less meaningful because it looks different from the plan you made at twenty. If anything, growing older gives you a better chance to make choices based on experience rather than expectation.
So, what kind of woman are you becoming?
Are you becoming a woman who knows how to earn and manage her money? Are you becoming someone who can love without abandoning herself? Are you building a career that gives you pride without consuming every part of your life? Are you learning what you value and making decisions that reflect it? Are you becoming someone you genuinely like?
The answer will probably be different from the ones you had a decade before.
That is part of growing up. You will meet new versions of yourself throughout your twenties, thirties and beyond. Some will surprise you. Some will disappoint you. Some will make you wonder why you waited so long to become her.
You don’t have to have the final version figured out, all you need is to be honest about the woman you are becoming now.
Success can still mean achievement, money, recognition and ambition. It can also mean independence, meaningful relationships, good health, personal style, financial security, family, adventure or having enough time to enjoy the life you worked so hard to build.
The definition belongs to you.
In truth, the most important question isn’t if you’re the woman you dreamt of being years ago, rather, it’s whether you’re a woman who’s living the life that’s right for the person you’ve become.
Read more from Exquisite Magazine for thoughtful stories on women, wellness, beauty and style, and discover more conversations that reflect the many ways a woman can grow, succeed and define herself.
Written by Aliyah O.
